On the guilt of resting – Notes from the road #1

[Notes from the road #1: Quick notes from the road, mess of thoughts and ideas born of the miles scrolling away]

I’ve been walking a lot lately. And thinking a lot. [Walking and thinking tend to go together, right ?]
I’ve been unusually silent lately- not even posting about environmental activism on social media, which is, you know it if you know me well, highly unusual.

It’s not because I do not care – I do care; but I’ve felt the need to reassess a lot of my beliefs in the past few months. I’ve been traveling lately, officially to visit and volunteer on different sustainable projects  [I’ve been meaning to write about all this since quite some time now – actually I have bits and pieces of these texts everywhere…it shall be posted soon]. Did I consciously admitted it to myself or not though, my main reason for leaving the island was not only to be inspired and learn while visiting some amazing sustainable projects [while, for sure, this is such a blessing] but to quest after questions and meaning.
I realized that surely just like all of humanity to some degree, I was only questing after the sense of a good life and wondering what this meant to me – because that’s the thing, it’s different for everyone and maybe that’s scary in a world where we too often hope to apply cookie-cutter designed answers to everything.

I’ve figured out these last few years that to me these answers were inseparable from following my heart/gut feeling/ intuition or whatever you call it [ you know what I’m talking about; this feeling inside you that moves sparks around and pulls you toward your dreams…].
This voice asked to leave and wander away from what was known; and I couldn’t refuse.

I worked toward making this trip a reality for a few years now, and here it was…and I felt guilty. [While I recognize the support life gave me in many forms, I also believe that if you work toward what you feel is where you need to be, Life will support you – while recognizing that we still live in a very unequal world and that it’s easier for those of us living in developed countries than it is for others fighting for bare necessities every days… this itself is a big subject though…].
I felt guilty the first few weeks of this trip: of being selfish and leaving the island behind when so much was still left to do in sustainability and hence all help welcomed…

I seem to have forgotten that we ultimately all share one earth and that help anywhere is still beautiful. And I seem to have forgotten something even more important: that I ultimately believe that our own healing is intrinsically connected to the healing of our societies and systems [and hence our balance with the natural world and the rest of the earth community].

The more I think of environmentalism and all these others causes, the more I come to believe that we do have a lot of solutions already – but that it’s often the human-unbalanced-ego-factor that tend to block it [aka our unbalanced-ego and all that can result from it such as greed, anger, lust of power and such- once again, another big subject]. I wonder if all these are not a result of us feeling lost, of not feeling connected to who we are and the story of our lives ? [What I mean by the ‘story of our life’, is that we all live according to our beliefs, which are ultimately ‘stories’ [said with the utmost respect] we tell ourselves.] And if we lost our connection to our-self, how can we connect to the world ? To others ? To our planet ?

We live in a world where allocating ourselves the time to ponder about these questions became a real luxury, yet I feel that it might be very essential to do so. If we really had time to questions our beliefs, questioning what is a good life for us for example, would we still act as we do or would we re-write our stories and live differently ?

As I said, I felt guilty for the first few weeks of this trip; in part also because I felt that I was not doing anything ‘productive’ in regards to society’s standards and was wondering if I was taking the right decision to take this ‘break’ … [A ‘break’ from what anyway ? From ‘actual life’ ? As if not all of our life is an ‘actual, real’ life ? As if our life is not wholesome unit where all parts are equally important even if completely varied…anyway, I digress.]
So, I’m letting go of this guilt right now, acknowledging that the times we use to go inward,and rest, and question, and plan are just as valuable as any outward actions – even if too often this is not acknowledged today…