[I have this feeling about road trips : that they encourage us to think about life, as maybe our bodies wandering in this world mirror the movement of our thoughts in our mind. This one was not different and left me with answers, and questions.]
What do you want out of life ? What do you TRULY want out of life ?
Not what they told you should want. Not what you told yourself you could have. Not what you told yourself was realistic. What do You Truly want out of life ? Because…maybe, after all, it’s just about admitting it to our-self.
It can be hard. After all this time, admitting that – maybe – we do not want what we were told we could have, or what we convinced ourselves was the best we could have. Though, you see clearer then. You feel lighter; no longer are you to carry these futures that were not your heart one’s.
And no, it doesn’t mean that it’ll be easy to make it happen. It will surely be messy. It will surely be hard. It will surely be lonely. It might even be a road you’d rather not take, and won’t take… but at least you admit it to yourself. And then you can truly choose if you want to act on it or not.
And maybe this reevaluation has to be done a few time – that it’s continuous and not done once and for all…
Lately, this question has appeared in my reality again and again – and while I do think I never really settled for a path that didn’t feel like mine… I realized that I did diluted my vision. I tried to size it down; pushed a few things on the side, or arranged it in ways that didn’t expressed exactly what I wanted, but that fitted more into what is conventionally accepted.
I found a pictures of me from a few years ago – before I even finished High School – and, while I do think I learnt a lot since then, there’s something I wish I’d be able to gain back from that time. This sparkle in the eyes that comes from the belief that the world is yours. This arrogant naivety of believing that everything is possible. This sparkle that comes also from being unapologetically you ? I’m not saying that it’s gone, but it became duller it seems, as if spending so much time in such a deluded world ended up rubbing off on me. You might call it naivety, I call it Hope, or Faith : in Yourself, in the World, in the Universe – in whatever it may be. Faith that you’re co-writing this life with the Universe maybe; but faith above-all that ‘it’s worth a try’. That whatever ‘it’ may be might very well not become true; but that if it’s in your heart, it’s for a reason – and that hence it’s worth trying.
It’s funny, because I do think that I grew more and more into who I am these last few years, but maybe I also learnt to turn down my inner fire. Maybe I turned it down because after some time I ended up internalizing that I needed to be ‘realistic’; or because it was easier for everyone like that. Maybe it was needed, for I’m forever grateful for this period of my life…but maybe it’s time once again to be naively unrealistic in following my heart calls.
Should we follow our heart calls or not, is another story altogether, and quite a personal one of course; but to face ourselves and admit what we truly want… at least the sparkles will be back, at least we’ll know once again who we are and where we wish to go, and this in itself is maybe enough of a treasure.
May no longer the fires of our souls scares,
our-selves or the world.
May no longer the flames dancing in our eyes be hidden.